Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Just one of "those" days

Hey there cyber world, sorry I haven't been around lately to blog but things have been really busy for me. I know that my blog is usually me being as genuine and positive as I possibly can, but I've kinda been stuck in a pit-fall lately. It’s like I just keep circling the drain waiting for my rock bottom, but it never comes. That’s what’s hard in this OCD waiting game, you keep waiting to get to the point when you *finally* hit the bottom just so you know that from here it will actually get better. The few friends who know about what I’ve been going through tell me how much stronger I sound and how well I seem to be doing, but I just feel like I’m slapping on a smile and being a good actress.
I’m now starting my "deferment" of what should have been my second semester of college, and it’s really taking its toll on me. Growing up I always knew what I wanted to be, who I wanted to be and exactly which route I was taking to get it all done, but my life has been on hold, and for someone who is used to having a path carved out for them, this is really hard. I see my friends enjoying college, going out-- having friends-- and I look at my life right now, and I’m starting to lose sight of my light at the end of the tunnel. I just want to be better again, I just want to be able to smile and feel it on the inside, not just pretend. 
I’m sitting on my couch listening to a Duncan Sheik song on instant replay just trying to be my head screwed back on, and failing. I hate that word. I don’t want to fail, or be a failure or give up, but I’m losing any strength I have to continue this charade. The past few months I’ve just been tricking myself that everything’s getting better, but it’s all the same. I get yelled at for not being able to touch bags that my mom brings in from the grocery, or bake with my hands, or help out with some of the teeniest things. Do people really think that it doesn’t bother me that I can’t touch something? Do they not realize that my life is wasting right now? Do they not realize how much I want to be able to grab the bags, or bake, or shake someone’s hand, or be totally fine with bumping into a stranger? I’m just getting back to that point where I’m realizing that this cycle isn’t going to end as easy as my psychologist, or psychiatrist, or my parents, or my friends of anyone said it would be. They don’t know what this is like, they’ve never been through this. They’ve never been prisoner in their own mind without any escape. I can’t escape my mind, or my house, I’m just stuck. My dad keeps saying that I just have to repeat in my head that it’s fine and not to have my OCD thinking-- but if it was that easy would I really be sitting here writing this? Someone once said to me "they could take away your glitter, but they will never be able to take away your sparkle" I used to live by that quote, but if there's no light to make you sparkle is that still true? Okay *deep breathing* I hope this last post wasn’t too emo for any of you, but I was having a bad day, and like I said in my first post, I’m going to be painfully honest, I don’t want OCD to be seen as this easy juvenile disposition, but something really life altering. Hopefully by my next post things will have turned around. Remember I'm always open to tips or questions, so either comment them below or message me. Love you all for reading :)
Yours Truly,
The OCDiva 

1 comment:

  1. Hey Lulu! Welcome to the blogging world!! I'm sorry you are struggling so much right now. Living in recovery from OCD is a marathon and not a sprint. It is really hard to accept that, for us and our loved ones. My psychologist used to remind me that I did not get sick overnight and I will not get we'll overnight. Yes, it is VERY painful when people get angry with you when you are just exhibiting symptoms of an illness. I actually recently wrote a post about this called "Just a thought." I have found that education for myself and my loved ones and friends is key to more understanding and getting us all on the same page. I would recommend Jeff Bell's memoir "Rewind, Repleat, Replay" for you & your family to read. Jonathan Grayson's book is also an important read, though as a Christian, I'm not crazy about the scrupulosity chapter, but I think everything else is golden. I'm also in the middle of reading Aureen Pinto Wagner's book, "What to do when your child has OCD." Even though its originally intended for parents of young kids, I still recommend it to everyone-it is that good. Also, I think it's helpful if your family could go to CBT/ERP sessions with you. I've also recently written a post on "OCD & My Marriage." I think the lessons my hubby & I have learned can apply to any relationship. Anyway, sorry to write a book here, but I certainly feel your pain, and though I don't know you, I do care.