Friday, April 5, 2013

My OCD-aversary

In 12 days it'll be my 1 year OCD-Aversary of the diagnoses. I don't know much more to say other then that I thought I'd be better by now, I didn't realize how much time has passed until now. This is probably going to be a discombobulated post, but I'm trying to work it through my head... I've had OCD for almost a year, and all I'm thinking is aren't anniversaries a supposed to be happy? Because this is one I really don't feel like celebrating. To me this is just a reminder of how screwed up my life is right now and how much I wish it'll all just "poof" and be better again :/ I really can't write anymore right now, but I wanted to get that off my chest.
Yours truly,
The OCDiva

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Hunt for the Perfect Hound

Hey everyone!
Sooooo I'm back from my pity party and ready to roll, these past few weeks have been preeeeetty crazy. A few weeks ago I decided to take the bull by its horns and adopt a puppy-- not this wasn't a whim idea because I've grown up with dogs all my life and really wanted "my own". SO I decided to hit up the Humane Society, and surprisingly enough at about the 3rd kennel I saw this happy jumpy puppy playing with everyone and driving them nuts-- sort of like me when I'm hyper ;)
The volunteer brought him into a room to meet us and all I know is he went right for my lap and laid belly up in my arms, that was it for me... After talking to the bolunteer i came to know that this pup was a stray that was hit by a car, had a broken arm and had JUST gotten his cast off today-- I couldn't believe it! He seemed sooooo happy and jumpy without a care in this world. Needless to say, I came back the next day and he was mine!
Now why am I talking about this and how does this all fit into my OCD blog? Well as silly as this will sound, I really learned a lot from my new pup, here was a puppy who had this traumatic experience,
having his whole hand CRUSHED under the weight of a car, (my being jumped)
being casted for 6 week, feeling unable to do much of anything other then walk a little (all of my set backs and bungee braces holding me back from my life) getting his cast off ( breaking free from the OCD stigma) now being adopted into a loving home (my Zoloft and psychology sessions) and living his happy life, although he does have days where his leg hurts (see "just one of those days post") but he's come sooooo far and has so much going for him! (As do I :D) and although his arm might be a little on legged, so am I, ill always have that reminder of what I went through-- but it's also a reminder of how far I've come and how strong I'm! I hope you enjoy my though for the day! GD is good!
Yours truly,
The OCDiva

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Just one of "those" days

Hey there cyber world, sorry I haven't been around lately to blog but things have been really busy for me. I know that my blog is usually me being as genuine and positive as I possibly can, but I've kinda been stuck in a pit-fall lately. It’s like I just keep circling the drain waiting for my rock bottom, but it never comes. That’s what’s hard in this OCD waiting game, you keep waiting to get to the point when you *finally* hit the bottom just so you know that from here it will actually get better. The few friends who know about what I’ve been going through tell me how much stronger I sound and how well I seem to be doing, but I just feel like I’m slapping on a smile and being a good actress.
I’m now starting my "deferment" of what should have been my second semester of college, and it’s really taking its toll on me. Growing up I always knew what I wanted to be, who I wanted to be and exactly which route I was taking to get it all done, but my life has been on hold, and for someone who is used to having a path carved out for them, this is really hard. I see my friends enjoying college, going out-- having friends-- and I look at my life right now, and I’m starting to lose sight of my light at the end of the tunnel. I just want to be better again, I just want to be able to smile and feel it on the inside, not just pretend. 
I’m sitting on my couch listening to a Duncan Sheik song on instant replay just trying to be my head screwed back on, and failing. I hate that word. I don’t want to fail, or be a failure or give up, but I’m losing any strength I have to continue this charade. The past few months I’ve just been tricking myself that everything’s getting better, but it’s all the same. I get yelled at for not being able to touch bags that my mom brings in from the grocery, or bake with my hands, or help out with some of the teeniest things. Do people really think that it doesn’t bother me that I can’t touch something? Do they not realize that my life is wasting right now? Do they not realize how much I want to be able to grab the bags, or bake, or shake someone’s hand, or be totally fine with bumping into a stranger? I’m just getting back to that point where I’m realizing that this cycle isn’t going to end as easy as my psychologist, or psychiatrist, or my parents, or my friends of anyone said it would be. They don’t know what this is like, they’ve never been through this. They’ve never been prisoner in their own mind without any escape. I can’t escape my mind, or my house, I’m just stuck. My dad keeps saying that I just have to repeat in my head that it’s fine and not to have my OCD thinking-- but if it was that easy would I really be sitting here writing this? Someone once said to me "they could take away your glitter, but they will never be able to take away your sparkle" I used to live by that quote, but if there's no light to make you sparkle is that still true? Okay *deep breathing* I hope this last post wasn’t too emo for any of you, but I was having a bad day, and like I said in my first post, I’m going to be painfully honest, I don’t want OCD to be seen as this easy juvenile disposition, but something really life altering. Hopefully by my next post things will have turned around. Remember I'm always open to tips or questions, so either comment them below or message me. Love you all for reading :)
Yours Truly,
The OCDiva 

Saturday, January 5, 2013

"OMG Im so OCD"... etc

You've said it, I've said it, "haha look at her binder its sooo OCD", or "Stop being so OCD about it", at the time it was just a witty banter part of my daily vernacular, nobody actually has OCD, so its okay to say it right? That's what you say, until you do have it. Now this doesn't just apply to OCD, it applies to people that have disabilities, or are ADD, Shy (or socially awkward), it applies to being poor or rich, or anything that can be made into a derogatory remark. 
It never bothered me to call someone out to be "ADD" in class or "OCD" about their closet, I'll admit it, I've even been one to say "that's so retarded", "you look like a bag lady", or "At least I'm not a Rich B**ch"  but what I didn't realize was real people really do have ADD, and OCD, there really are bag lady's that would kill to have 1/2 of what you have, rich people really do have feelings, and people with mental disabilities may be slower, but they are the purest form of human.

This never bothered me until I had to sit at a table of people gossiping about how someone who's on medication can never get married, or people that go to psychologists are crazy. Usually I would push it out of my mind, but the way these people were talking in whisper tones with disgusted faces on, as if people with these roadblocks are disgusting and shouldn't even be talked about. There I was sitting at a table of people who I thought were my friends, who know nothing about what I'm dealing with talking about me as though I'm an embarrassment, as though I'm not worth a marriage, or a family, let alone a life.

These people laughed with me, talked with me, and treated me as though I was the optimal woman in society, but if I were to tell them that I had OCD, meet with a psychologist, and am on medication, would that have changed anything that I've accomplished, or the kind of woman I'm? No, it would just change how the world sees me, and that's the issue, were so busy looking at the label, that we never actually see what’s inside. I have come to learn that when you're judged by people you don't miss out on anything, but they miss out on something incredible.
As Shakespeare wrote “ A rose by any other name would smell as sweet!” J

Yours Truly,
The OCDiva

On The Mend

So, Ive started my Zoloft, but unlike Xanax, or Valium, Zoloft doesn't give you instant gratification, its not like you pop the pill, and you're OCD free an hour later, Zoloft can up to 6 weeks to have even built up in your system enough to start to make any difference. Which means for the first month and a half, there was nothing. This was frustrating, because here I was ready to be "all better" but thats not how it works, even after the 6 weeks, its still you working and fixing and pushing to get past any urges. 
And before I forget, you also have to titrate up on Zoloft, which means you go from 25 mg, to 50 mg, to 75 mg, to 100 mg, to 125 mg, to 150 mg, to 175 mg, to 200 mg which fills up your 6 week waiting, because you're so busy trying to figure out how much to take and if its actually doing anything to notice that after all those weeks you've FINALLY made it to 200mg ( the "Norm" dose for OCD). Now let me also remind you that over these weekly titrates you get to deal with the fun side effects which thankfully I didn't have until I reached 200mg. This found my laying in my bed at 2am crying from nausea-- but hey once I threw up I felt so much better :p Now this blog isn't meant to scare anyone out of taking medication from being scared of side effects, because honestly one night of nausea has nothing on giving me a new lease on life!

One thing I was reminded over and over was that the medication does not fix everything, I have to work on myself. When someone pushed into me at the mall, I had to control myself from freaking out, if my fork touched the table-- too bad, I had to use it anyway, when I met someone professionally, that handshake was a necessity. These may seem like mere everyday things, and before they would have been to me as well, but at that point they were HUGE obstacles. 

I've now been on medication for 8 months, I’m up at 225 mg, and feeling a lot like my old self, but BETTER, I always thought I was above medication, but we learn something new every day! I can now do many things that I couldn’t fathom being able to do before, even though I may not be able to do it 100% OCD free... YET :) 

Yours Truly, 
The OCDiva 

I have OCD... Now What?

If you've even gone as far as opening my blog, I can only guess that the reason behind doing so is due to the fact that you suffer from, or know someone that has or had OCD, known properly among psychologists and psychiatrists alike as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Now, I didn't always have OCD, I was a normal kid, living a normal life, who could not wait to get out of high school and start my real life in college. Like many others I had  my family, my love of fashion, tanning at the pool, listening to Taylor Swift on full blast singing at the top of my lungs, anything that had to do with being in the kitchen, and laying on my bed cracking jokes with my best friends.

I was normal, but 8 months ago I was diagnosed with episodic OCD, so what does that make me now? In my mind, it made me nothing, it made me unworthy of living, because my OCD took away my life, I would lay on the floor and cry because I couldn't put on a skirt, or couldn't hug my father after coming home from work-- what had become of me? Before I continue rambling, Let me give you a little back story as to how my OCD started, and Im going to be brutally honest, Im changing nothing but names, for the hope that even one person out there can hear my story and get the courage to pick themselves up and realize they are worth it, and yes YOU ARE NORMAL :)

Ok here goes my story, there I was getting on a plane to my college experience that I dreamed about, away from my family, friends, and everything I had known until now to live in a dorm room of 5 others, I really did not know, including my best friend at the time -- it was a shock--. My first week there I had witnessed two roommates *Anne & *Macy them pretending to have sex, grab each other  walk around stark naked, and act like I’ve never seen, so I chose to stay away from these girls and spend as little time in the dorms as possible.

The second or third week there (it’s a little blurry to me) I was in my towel getting ready to shower standing at my closet and out of know where I find myself in a triangle choke hold by *Anne, and *Macy trying to pull my towel off. Even as I'm writing this my heart is racing, my brain was slammed and I went into panic mode, i managed to get both girls off of my and run out of the room. I thought that was it, it wouldn't happen again, disaster averted-- but the next week the same thing happened, but this time it was only *Anne, I threw her off of me, put on my scary voice and said "don't you ever touch me again". I did not tell anyone what happened, I didn't want to tell my parents, because it would be an embarrassment for them to take me home after only a few weeks, and I didn't want to feel weak. I went on for the next few months on pure adrenaline, *Anne got kicked out for other reasons, and *Macy moved out of the room, I thought I would be able to push it all out of my head and have the best rest of the year possible.

By time January rolled around I knew something was wrong with myself, I couldn't touch someone else's food for fear I was dirty, I couldn't have others touch my food for fear they were dirty, I wouldn't share clothing, I couldn't deal with anyone sitting on my bed, or touching my stuff-- everything was dirty, and i couldn't get clean as much as I tried.

I went on until March with everyone thinking I was a total snob for being awkward and not being able to share anything, that's when I started washing my hands with scalding hot water from an urn, and putting on 500 pairs of underwear after the shower until I did it without touching my foot. I knew there was something seriously wrong, but I couldn't face it, I couldn't tell anyone- that would entail me admitting I’m not perfect.

Spring break came around, I got off the plane my hands raw and red, and I didn't give me mother a hug. That's when she noticed something was wrong, I covered up my hands by saying it was just the cold water because we didn't have a heater in the dorms, and not giving her a hug was brushed off, but I could tell she still knew something. After being home for a month of disappearing whenever my mother needed me to help in the kitchen, showering every night, and pretending to space out when someone extended their hand to shake, it was time to go back to school.

Day of my flight, I sat in my room, bags still packed from when i got home, because I couldn't bear to touch them, I wasn't going. I remember sitting on the edge of my bed thinking I would look like a cop out, and what would my friends say, or the dean of my school who made a point of using students in his speeches? I needed to stay but I had this urge to go, I just sat and cried until an hour before my flight, which was when my mom came in, took one look at me and said "Forget it, you're not going, there's something wrong here". She then went on to call a psychologist and instead of going to the airport, I went straight to her, where I was diagnosed with Episodic OCD, but I still had not told anyone of my assault. In my psychologists and my mothers head, this was something that was brought on my anxiety and I would be going back to school in a few weeks.

That's what I did 3 times a week for two weeks straight, as I was pushed to go back... and then it came out, but not in a conversational way, I was in my tri-weekly session, when the situation of my going back to school came up. At this point there was no stopping me, I couldn't hear anything other than myself yelling across the couch "Would you back back to a place that you were jumped by two girls trying to pull your towel off?!" and then I threw my face in my hands and cried while my mother & psychologist sat wide eyed, and jaw dropped.

After my mother found out, she called the school- their answer to my assault?
It was my fault for not saying anything, My dad needs to pay the full tuition anyways, and I should not tell anyone what happened. It was like watching a TV show, I never understood why the rape/bully/assault/abuse character that felt like it was her fault, until that moment, but here I was made to believe that it was my fault. It took me a long time to realize that I didn’t ask for any of this, I was assaulted and it was not my fault.

The next month was a downward spiral, I was adamant against medication, but EPT and CBT were not working alone, I was stuck and watched myself get lost. I finally told my best friend, *Lana but she didn't get it, she couldn't relate-- she just want me to get over it. After our conversation she ended up dropping out of my life, she didn't speak to me for about 5 months. The day after I told *Lana, I told my best “guyfriend” *Mark-- bad move on my part, is if being shut out by *Lana wasn't enough, losing *Mark hurt even more, because I always knew my friendship with *Lana was circumstantial  but *Mark and I were always there for each other  no matter what happened, but 8 months and counting Ive only seen him 3 times, which before my OCD, would have been 3 times a day. That was it for me, I wasn't going to tell anyone else, because obviously they didn't care so my spiral deepened.

Then It happened, I snapped. All I remember was laying in the hall way SCREAMING that I didn't want to live, my parents threatening to Baker Act me, and just limply laying and crying- I couldn't fight on my own for any longer, I needed more help, I needed to help myself, and I needed to try medication. So there I was, in the psychiatrists’ office, while he sat with a skull, and showed me where the SSRIs worked, and why they were being affected by my constant anxiety for the last 8 months. So on the weekend of June 23rd, I started taking Seratonin, and let me tell you, its been a loooong road to where Ive gotten, and I have a long way to go, but this whole situation has taught me so much about myself, and as hard as its been, I may not be able to say Im glad its happened to me, but Im definitely seeing the rainbow after the hurricane :)
SO now that you've read my long back story, I can only hope you come back to read my about my daily life while dealing with OCD.

Yours Truly,
The OCDiva