Hey there cyber world, sorry I haven't
been around lately to blog but things have been really busy for me. I know that
my blog is usually me being as genuine and positive as I possibly can, but I've
kinda been stuck in a pit-fall lately. It’s like I just keep circling the drain
waiting for my rock bottom, but it never comes. That’s what’s hard in this OCD
waiting game, you keep waiting to get to the point when you *finally* hit the
bottom just so you know that from here it will actually get better. The few friends
who know about what I’ve been going through tell me how much stronger I sound
and how well I seem to be doing, but I just feel like I’m slapping on a smile
and being a good actress.
I’m now starting my "deferment" of what should have been my second semester of college, and it’s really taking its toll on me. Growing up I always knew what I wanted to be, who I wanted to be and exactly which route I was taking to get it all done, but my life has been on hold, and for someone who is used to having a path carved out for them, this is really hard. I see my friends enjoying college, going out-- having friends-- and I look at my life right now, and I’m starting to lose sight of my light at the end of the tunnel. I just want to be better again, I just want to be able to smile and feel it on the inside, not just pretend.
I’m now starting my "deferment" of what should have been my second semester of college, and it’s really taking its toll on me. Growing up I always knew what I wanted to be, who I wanted to be and exactly which route I was taking to get it all done, but my life has been on hold, and for someone who is used to having a path carved out for them, this is really hard. I see my friends enjoying college, going out-- having friends-- and I look at my life right now, and I’m starting to lose sight of my light at the end of the tunnel. I just want to be better again, I just want to be able to smile and feel it on the inside, not just pretend.
I’m sitting on my couch listening to a Duncan Sheik song on
instant replay just trying to be my head screwed back on, and failing. I hate
that word. I don’t want to fail, or be a failure or give up, but I’m losing any
strength I have to continue this charade. The past few months I’ve just been
tricking myself that everything’s getting better, but it’s all the same. I get
yelled at for not being able to touch bags that my mom brings in from the
grocery, or bake with my hands, or help out with some of the teeniest things.
Do people really think that it doesn’t bother me that I can’t touch something?
Do they not realize that my life is wasting right now? Do they not realize how
much I want to be able to grab the bags, or bake, or shake someone’s hand, or
be totally fine with bumping into a stranger? I’m just getting back to that
point where I’m realizing that this cycle isn’t going to end as easy
as my psychologist, or psychiatrist, or my parents, or my friends of anyone
said it would be. They don’t know what this is like, they’ve never been through
this. They’ve never been prisoner in their own mind without any escape. I can’t
escape my mind, or my house, I’m just stuck. My dad keeps saying that I just
have to repeat in my head that it’s fine and not to have my OCD thinking-- but
if it was that easy would I really be sitting here writing this? Someone once
said to me "they could take away your glitter, but they will never be able
to take away your sparkle" I used to live by that quote, but
if there's no light to make you sparkle is that still true? Okay
*deep breathing* I hope this last post wasn’t too emo for any of you, but I was
having a bad day, and like I said in my first post, I’m going to be painfully
honest, I don’t want OCD to be seen as this easy juvenile disposition, but something
really life altering. Hopefully by my next post things will have turned around.
Remember I'm always open to tips or questions, so either comment them below or message me. Love you all for reading :)
Yours Truly,
The OCDiva
Yours Truly,
The OCDiva
